Restaurant Joke


 In the restaurant, the waiter said, “We have everything on the menu today, ma’am.”

“So I see,” said the customer.  “May I have a clean one, please?”

What's So Funny?

There are two meanings to the waiter's statement.  He meant, everything that is listed on the menu is available today.  The customer saw many bits of food stuck on the menu and had a different understanding, namely, that every kind of food was making her menu dirty, so she requested a cleaner menu.

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.

Camouflage Pun

As we’ve discussed on previous shows, one difficult aspect of learning a second language is adapting to humor that involves plays on words. They are also called puns.  The appropriate way to receive a pun when it is told is to pretend you didn’t think it was funny.  You may stare at the pun-teller or even let out a groan (unnnhh!).  We don’t want to give punsters credit for clever wordplay, but usually we end up smiling or even laughing.  Here is a clever wordplay that most Americans would chuckle over.  The question: is it funny to you?

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. 

What's So Funny?

Do you know about camouflage clothing?  Those clothes are worn by hunters or soldiers who want to blend in with their surroundings in order to stay unseen.  

Here, a soldier wears camouflage gear and applies camo paint to his face. (source: Wikipedia)

Here, a soldier wears camouflage gear and applies camo paint to his face. (source: Wikipedia)

This joke also involves a common shopping expression, "to find," which means to locate for purchase. The joke here means that the camouflage pants blended in with their environment that you were unable to see them (which is the normal purpose of camouflage clothing).

camouflage pants (for sale at macys.com)

camouflage pants (for sale at macys.com)

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.

Pun with Cannibals

As we’ve discussed on previous shows, one difficult aspect of learning a second language is adapting to humor that involves plays on words. They are also called puns.  The appropriate way to receive a pun when it is told is to pretend you didn’t think it was funny.  You may stare at the pun-teller or even let out a groan (unnnhh!).  We don’t want to give punsters credit for clever wordplay, but usually we end up smiling or even laughing.  Here is a clever wordplay that most Americans would chuckle over.  The question: is it funny to you?

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

What's So Funny?

This joke involves a common English expression "to taste funny," which means to taste strange or odd. The line has a double meaning because the two individuals in the story are cannibals (people who eat the meat of other humans). They are eating a clown, whose job is to act funny and make people laugh.

A typical clown (photo source: Wikipedia)

A typical clown (photo source: Wikipedia)

Practice telling this joke, so you can share it with your American friends.  See if they laugh (or groan) at this play on words.

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.

Amer Zahr's Boater Confirmation Number

“Boater[1] Confirmation Number”

Amer Zahr graciously gave permission for us to share this short comedy sketch with you.  Immediately below is a transcript.  After that is an explanation of the humor.

Operator: Okay, sir, we have completed your reservation.  Are you ready for your confirmation number?[2]

Customer: Sure, go ahead.

O: Okay, it’s going to be A as in “apple.”

C: Okay.

O: P as in “Peter.”[3]

C: What?

O: P as in “Peter.”

C: You mean B as in “boy.”

O: No, I mean P as in “Peter.” Not B as in “boy.” I said P, not B.

C: Huh?

O: I said P, not B.

C: Okay, whatever.[4]

O: Then it’s going to be the letter O as in the “Occupation of the Palestinian people.”[5]

C: What? Excuse me?

O: Okay, then it’s going to be the letter H.

C: What was that?

O: H! H!

C: “Etch” as in “Etch-a-Sketch”?[6]

O: H! H as in “Harry.” H.

C: Oh, H.

O: Yeah, H.

C: H.

O: H.

C: H.

O: H.

C: Fine.

O: Okay. Then, finally going to be the number 6.[7]

C: What (in the h…)?[8]

O: The number 6.

C: Sir, I cannot understand anything that you are telling me.

O: 6...6. Are you saying I can’t count?[9] 6. 6. Fine.  You want me to count? I count to 100 for you, okay? 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-23-24-25-26-27-28-29-30-31-32-33-34-35-36-37-38-39-40-41-42-43-44-45-46-47-48-49-50-51-52-53-54-55-56-57-58-59-60-61-62-63-64-65-66-67-68-69-70-71-72-73-74-75-76-77-78-79-80-81-82-83-84-85-86-87-88-89-90-91-92-93-94-95-96-97-98-99-100. Okay? I can count to fucking 100.[10]

C: All right, sir. No need to...

O: Well, you know, I can count, okay?

C: All right. I got it.

O: Okay. Would you like me to repeat that for you?

C: Shit.

Explanations and Background: 1. A common slang term for immigrants in the Arab community is “boaters.”  This refers to new arrivals who “just stepped off the boat” into the new country (even if the immigrants arrived by airplane).  2. Many monolingual Americans are frustrated by the foreign accents of non-native English speakers answering the phone when they call for customer support.  In this case, a white American is getting a confirmation number for his reservation, and an Arab operator is handling the call.

3. The Arabic language doesn’t use the P sound, so they have a hard time distinguishing P and B when speaking English.  (In this case, “Peter” sounds like “beater.”)  Americans use words to help distinguish letters that sound alike: B/P, C/Z, F/S, M/N, B/V.

4. Americans say “whatever” when they are frustrated or don’t care.

5. Palestinians had been living in Palestine for 600 years until the United Nations created the state of Israel.  Since 1948, Israel has taken more and more of the Palestinian lands, so a persistent Palestinian conversation is how they live under foreign occupation. Here, Zahr jokes that Palestinians even bring up this subject when it is unrelated to the business at hand.

6. An Etch-a-Sketch is a child’s drawing toy.

7. Arab speakers have a hard time saying consonant clusters like the K+S sound of the letter X (like in “six”).

8. “What in the hell?” is a frustrated way of communicating confusion or lack of understanding.

9. The Arab operator is frustrated when the native speaker doesn’t understand him.  Even though he is not a native speaker, he is proud of his intelligence. He eventually “proves” his skills by counting (tediously) to 100.

10. The humor here is compounded by the operator’s repeated mispronunciation of “sikas” and “sikasty.

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.

Invisibility Pun

Playing With Words: More Pun-ishment

As we’ve discussed on previous shows, one difficult aspect of learning a second language is adapting to humor that involves plays on words. They are also called puns.  Now, I’m a big fan of puns and actually tell them a lot with my friends and family.  The way many Americans receive a pun when it is told is to pretend they didn’t think it was funny.  They may stare at the pun-teller or even let out a groan (unnnhh!).  They don’t want to give punsters (like me) credit for clever wordplay, but usually they end up smiling or even laughing.  Here is a clever wordplay that most Americans would chuckle over.  The question: is it funny to you?

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

What's So Funny?

This joke involves an English idiom and a double meaning.  The idiom, "be nothing to look at" is a polite way of saying someone is not handsome or pretty.  It has a second meaning where "nothing to look at" sounds like "invisible" (which would describe the children of an invisible mother and father).

Now that you understand the pun, feel free to share it with your American friends.  And be prepared for their groans.  Unnnnh!

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.

Meta-Jokes

Some jokes are jokes about themselves.  They are called meta-jokes.  “Meta-“ means above/about.  These kinds of jokes are for very brainy people, like my son-in-law, who sent today’s cartoon to me.

The writer, Randall Munroe, is a super-geek and famous in high-tech circles.  His online cartoons involve stick characters, which are simple to draw and let the reader focus on the language of the cartoon.  He often writes about computers and math, but sometimes he does language jokes.  If you are a math and science geek, you might like to start reading his work.

This cartoon is about the difference between causation and correlation, which are important concepts in science and technology.

What's So Funny?

If you don’t understand this joke, you are not alone. Many Americans don't understand it. Let me try my best explanation to this joke about a joke.

Correlation means that two things are related to each other.

Causation means that one thing caused another thing to happen.

Just because two things are related doesn't mean that one of them caused the other. It could be that they just happened in a similar way or at a similar time. Causation always involves correlation, but correlation doesn't always involve causation.

In this case, Person A tells Person B that he used to think related things had a cause/effect connection, but after taking a statistics class, he doesn't think that. She thinks the class caused his change of mind. He says it's possible, but he isn't sure.

The joke here is that they are talking about connections and causality. He says his change in belief is connected in time (before-after) with his statistics class. She thinks the class caused the change, but he is now more cautious about making such claims.

After this long explanation, you may still not think this cartoon is funny. Share this with your friends at work. If they think it's funny, then they will appreciate it when you share the XKCD website with them.

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.

A Priest, Minister, & Rabbi Are Drinking...

A Catholic priest

A Catholic priest

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are friends and drinking at their favorite bar. Another bar patron comments that bringing non-believers to God isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be converting a bear.

Many drinks later, they decide to have a competition. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.  The next week, they would get together to discuss the results.

A week goes by, and the three are reunited...at the hospital.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, goes first.  "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Patient with arm in a cast and a sling.

Patient with arm in a cast and a sling.

Reverend Billy Bob, who was in a wheelchair, speaks up next.  In his best fire-and-brimstone speech he exclaims, " Well, brothers, I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with Scripture. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled up one hill and down another until we rolled into a creek. There, I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

Patient in a wheelchair with head bandaged and leg in a cast.

Patient in a wheelchair with head bandaged and leg in a cast.

Then, they both turn to look at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed. He is in a full-body cast and traction, with IVs and monitors attached everywhere. He is in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Patient in a hospital bed with a leg in traction.

Patient in a hospital bed with a leg in traction.

What's So Funny?

This joke has a lot of cultural aspects to it, and a lot of religious vocabulary as well.  It relates to stereotypes of Roman Catholic priests, Protestant ministers, and Jewish rabbis.

Priests are often characterized as Irish, and in fact, most of the nation of Ireland is Roman Catholic. Priests are called "Father" by members of the Catholic church. Flannery is a common Irish name. In Catholicism, priests may sprinkle holy water on people to bless them. In the joke, the priest has successfully converted his bear after putting drops of holy water on its head. Catholics mention Mary, the mother of Jesus, more often than Protestants do. The priest's superior, the bishop, will come to perform two Catholic rituals on the bear to finalize its conversion.

In the U.S., Protestant ministers are stereotyped as being loud, enthusiastic about their religion, and having Southern accents. Evangelical ministers preach "fire and brimstone" sermons with the message that if you don't believe in God, you will burn forever in hell after death.  Men in the U.S. South are stereotyped as having double names (like Billy Bob, Jimmy Jack, or Bobby Joe). Sometimes the Bible is referred to as "God's Holy Word" or "Scripture." Many evangelical ministers do not believe in merely sprinkling new believers with a few drops of water. Instead, they prefer to immerse their entire body under water in a river or a baptismal pool.

Finally, Jews are stereotyped as having New York City accents. In fact, many Jews do live in NYC. (To hear a much better NY Jewish accent than mine, check out this link.) Like Christians, Jews believe in God, but they don't believe in Jesus. One job of a Jewish rabbi is to remove the foreskin (of the penis) of young boys in a ritual that welcomes them into adult membership of the religion. This is not a good idea to try with an angry bear, however.

A Protestant minister

A Protestant minister

A Jewish rabbi

A Jewish rabbi

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.

Dwayne Gill & the Stolen Tractor

Did you laugh at the joke in the video?  Read on if you didn't understand.  Dwayne Gill is a very funny man from my hometown of Detroit.  He works as a Michigan state policeman by day and tells jokes on nights and weekends. 

In his comedy club act, he talks about getting assigned to his first post—not in his urban area of southeast Michigan, but—in rural Ionia County.  There, he is assigned his first case to investigate: a stolen John Deere tractor.  He makes the mistake of asking the farmer what color the stolen tractor was. 

This is ridiculous—and funny—to anyone who lives in a suburban or rural location.  The John Deere brand of tractor is always green and yellow.  Being an urban guy, Dwayne didn’t know that tractor companies each have their signature color.

John Deere farm tractor (photo source: www.deere.com)

John Deere farm tractor (photo source: www.deere.com)

He extends the joke by saying, “It isn’t every day that you see a John Deere tractor rolling down Eight Mile Road [a major street of Detroit]...with M&M [famous Detroit rap singer] driving!"

In this joke set, Dwayne is making fun of differences between U.S. urban and rural cultures and what they know and don’t know.  One positive kind of humor is when the comedian makes fun of him/herself in the joke.  This is called self-deprecating humor.  As you can hear from the audience laughter, people think Dwayne is a funny guy.

Did you recently hear a joke you didn’t understand?  Write us with the details.  If we can answer it, we might feature it on our next show!

I saw Dwayne Gill live in Grand Rapids at the Sunday Night Funnies comedy club.  

I saw Dwayne Gill live in Grand Rapids at the Sunday Night Funnies comedy club.  

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.

Sarcasm

On-Camera Joke

Nice play, Shakespeare!  When someone makes a clumsy attempt, whether a play in sports or a household task, the sarcastic person who says this really means, “You did that really poorly.” 

What Is Sarcasm?

Sarcasm is usually thought of as cutting, biting remarks to another person.  And sarcastic people are difficult to like because their words can sound mean and off-putting.

Technically, sarcasm involves saying the opposite of what you mean.

Don’t work too hard!  This is sarcastic if said to a worker who is lazy.

Nice play, Shakespeare!  This line was referenced in the program. If you listen to the tone of voice used for these words, you’ll notice it is different than when a speaker means to sincerely compliment.  Instead, the sarcastic person means, “You did a bad job.” 

Yeah, right!   Sarcastic Americans say this when they really mean, “I don’t agree with you at all.”  Again, the tone of voice used for these words is different than when the speaker means to sincerely agree.  Below is a joke based on sarcasm.

A Joke Using Sarcasm

A linguistics professor was lecturing to the class one day. "In English," she said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Spanish, a double negative is still a negative.

However," she added, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Background

In standard English it is ungrammatical to say, “We don’t have nothing.”  (However, this is grammatical in some non-standard varieties of English, for example, Black English Vernacular.)  In standard English, when you use “don’t” in the sentence, the word “nothing” must be changed to “anything.” 

In Spanish, the use of double negatives is required, but it just has a negative meaning: No tenemos nada.  (“We don’t have nothing.”)

In other sentences, as the professor in the joke points out to the class, two negatives can make a positive.  Here is an example.  “If the President is going to be there, you can’t not go to the party.”  In this case, “you can’t not” is the same as “you must.”

Explanation of the Joke

The linguistics student in the back used the combination of two positive words, “yeah” (informal for “yes”) and “right” to disagree with the professor in a sarcastic way.  It is only funny if the correct tone of voice is used, communicating to listeners that the speaker is being sarcastic.

Why Do People Use Sarcasm?

My personal belief about sarcasm is that it is often used by people who don’t want to risk closeness or emotional attachment.  It is easier to seem skeptical and aloof.  Guarded that way, one can always feel safe and never have one’s feelings hurt. 

Sarcasm can be very clever.  This is done when a comment starts off in a sincere direction and takes a sudden turn.  British Prime Minister Winston Churchill was known for such sharp humor.

A dreadful woman once told Churchill, “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea.”  To this, Churchill replied, “Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.”

American humorist Groucho Marx excelled at this kind of humor.  Many of his quotes can be found here: http://bit.ly/tTfEMu.  A favorite zinger is this one: I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A Word of Advice

I recommend that you use sarcasm sparingly.  And never use sarcasm in email (where there are no facial expressions or change in tone of voice to show your audience your real intent).  It is very easy to think you are sounding clever but are actually offending someone.  If you want to experiment with it, try it out with your close friends first.  Remember, it’s very hard to undo a bad impression once you make it.

William Shakespeare (photo source: Wikipedia)

William Shakespeare (photo source: Wikipedia)

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.

Stand-up Comedy

Standing Up In Front of an Audience (All Alone)

Americans love to laugh.  They often pay money to laugh at comedy clubs.  A comedy club is like a nightclub.  But instead of singing, dancing, or doing tricks, a lone person stands on the stage and tells jokes.

Sunday Night Funnies, in Grand Rapids, MI, gives professionals and amateurs a chance to practice their joke-telling.

Sunday Night Funnies, in Grand Rapids, MI, gives professionals and amateurs a chance to practice their joke-telling.

Telling jokes all by yourself takes a lot of courage.  Because sometimes the audience doesn’t think you’re funny.  And there you are: standing all alone.

I have a lot of favorite comedians.  One of my newest favorites is an immigrant named Joe Wong.  Joe came from China to study at Rice University in Texas.  He earned a PhD in chemical engineering, but his passion was telling jokes.  So he practiced very hard and slowly learned how to be funny to American audiences.

I fell in love with his humor when I watched a video of him saying, “Hi, everybody, I’m Joe Wong.  So…I’m Irish…”  (The humor here, of course, is that he doesn’t look at all Irish—although many Americans are…and introduce themselves that way.)

For this episode, I have included a link to Joe’s website and some videos of his joke-telling.  I hope you enjoy them.  And I hope you draw encouragement from someone who came to this country as a non-native speaker, studied and practiced hard, and learned how to make his new compatriots laugh.  Joe Wong—one of my favorite new Americans!

Famous American comedians: Sarah Silverman, Jay Leno, Bob Hope

Famous American comedians: Sarah Silverman, Jay Leno, Bob Hope

Alan Headbloom

Alan advises Americans how to be global citizens and expats how to fit in to Michigan culture without annoying their native coworkers and clients. He also tweets and blogs at the intersection of language and culture. Over decades, he's traveled, studied, or lived on six continents, putting strange foods into his mouth and emitting strange sounds from it. His use of English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Swedish, Hausa, and Japanese all improve with alcohol use. He gives invited public presentations on culture and unsolicited private advice on English grammar and usage; the latter isn't always appreciated. Visit his website for information on consulting, coaching, or speaking engagements.