Mafia Hit-Man Joke

A Mafia hit-man was arrested for killing a man in a rice field with a porcelain figurine. The police said this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack. 

New Vocabulary

hit-man = someone who kills others for money (a "hit" is Mafia slang for a killing)

rice field = place for growing rice, also called a rice paddy

figurine = small decorative statue

knick-knack = a decorative object that people put on shelves or bookcases

whack = hit or killing

What's So Funny?

A favorite childhood song, called "This Old Man" includes the nonsense words, "With a knick knack paddy whack, give a dog a bone. /This old man came rolling home."

Geronimo Riddle

Riddle: What did Geronimo yell when he jumped off the high diving board?

Answer: "Meeeeeeeeeeee!"

What's So Funny?

When American kids jump from high places, like the high diving board at the swimming pool, they yell "Geronimo!" (the name of a Native American chief). The rough meaning of this is, "Here I come!"

Camping Joke

A woman goes to see her psychiatrist.

She says, “Doctor, I keep having dreams about my childhood camping trips.  I can’t get rid of this nostalgia.”

The psychiatrist nods.  “I think I see your problem. You’re stuck living in the past tents.”

What’s So Funny?

The expression “past tents” (former tents) sounds like “past tense” (grammar expression for “past time”). 

Dog Diagnosis

A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my sister thinks she's a dog."

"How long has she thought she was a dog?" the psychiatrist asks.

"Oh, ever since she was a puppy."

What’s So Funny?

When the man tells the doctor his sister believes she's a dog, we believe he and the doctor are on the same page. We suddenly realize that the man may be part of the delusion when he claims she has believed this since she was a puppy (young dog), not a young girl.

Teepee Joke

A man goes to see the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, sometimes I think I'm a teepee.  Then, I think I'm a wigwam.  Then, I think I'm a teepee.  Then, I think I'm a wigwam.

The psychiatrist says, "I see your problem.  I believe you're two tents."

New Vocabulary

teepee = a Native American shelter made of wooden poles and animal skins

wigwam = another form of Native American shelter

What's So Funny?

The punchline "two tents" is pronounced the same as "too tense."

Nardos Osterhart Tells Her Own Jokes

This week's humor is brought to you by a woman who gets invited to tell jokes in public. We are proud to share snippets of a comedy routine that Nardos performed live in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

What's So Funny?

Many Americans think of Africa as a country, rather than a continent of 47 nations (plus 6 more coastal island countries).  Here, at the Sunday Night Funnies, she makes fun of this misconception.

She jokes that Africa is not the small high school from the television show Glee, where everyone knows everyone else.

To catch her recent bookings, follow her on Facebook at  https://www.facebook.com/nardos.osterhart.

Chicken Diagnosis

A woman goes to see the psychiatrist, "Doctor, my brother thinks he's a chicken."

"Oh, my goodness!" says the psychiatrist. "How long has he thought he was a chicken?"

"Oh, about two years now," says the woman.

"What? Your brother has thought he was a chicken for two years, and you're only coming to see me now?"

"Well…," the woman shrugged, "We needed the eggs." 

Vocabulary

to shrug = to raise the shoulders to show a person doesn’t know what to do, to show uncertainty 

What's So Funny?

We assume that everyone thinks the brother is crazy to believe he's a chicken. (We do, the psychiatrist does, and the sister does.)  However, when the psychiatrist asks why the family took so long to bring the brother's case to medical attention, the answer is that the eggs were important to the family. This claim goes against the case that the brother is crazy because he seems to be producing eggs (just as a real chicken would do).

Angry Tenant Joke

The tenant was complaining to his landlord, “Those people upstairs are very annoying.  Last night they stomped and banged on the floor until midnight.”  
“I’m sorry,” said the landlord, “Did they wake you?”  
“No,” replied the tenant.  “Luckily, I was awake and playing my tuba at the time.”

What’s So Funny?

The tenant was complaining about the upstairs neighbors making noise late at night.  However, the reason they were stomping on the floor was to tell the tenant below to stop playing his loud instrument late at night.

Vocabulary

tenant = person who is renting a house or apartment
landlord = person who owns the building and is renting it to a tenant
stomp = to step heavily on the floor and make loud noises with the feet
tuba = large, brass instrument

Broomstick Joke

Riddle: Why didn't the witch ride on her broom whenever she got angry?

Answer: She was afraid she would fly off the handle.

What's So Funny?

This riddle-joke asks about witches (typically the kind that fly on brooms during Halloween). The answer is funny because it relies on a double meaning.  1. A broom is divided into two parts: the bottom part made of straw does the sweeping, and the top part made of wood is called the handle. 2. The expression "to fly off the handle" means to get suddenly upset or angry.

Example: No one likes working with Barry because he's so unpredictable. He sometimes flies off the handle for no apparent reason.

Clock Riddle

Riddle:  How do you know a clock is hungry?

Answer:  It goes back four seconds.

What's So Funny?

This riddle is funny to English speakers because "four seconds" sounds the same as another expression, "for seconds."  This other expression means when you've enjoyed your food so much, you go back to the kitchen to re-fill your plate a second time (for seconds).

Alphabetic Admiration

Some of the best jokes happen between spouses.  That’s because, the longer you’re married to someone, the more you know their strengths—and their weaknesses, which we then joke about.  Here’s one involving a husband and wife.

Husband: "Darling, how would you describe me?" 


Wife: "ABCDEFGHIJK." 


Husband: "What does that mean?" 


Wife: "Adorable, brilliant, clever, delightful, elegant, fashionable, generous, and handsome." 


Husband: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" 


Wife: "I'm just kidding!"

Historic Hotel Joke

A traveler stopped at a historic hotel and requested the rates for a room. 

“A room on the first floor is $400, on the second floor $300, and on the third floor $200,” replied the desk clerk. 

The traveler thought a bit, said thank you, and turned to leave. 

“Don’t you like our hotel?” asked the clerk. 

“Oh, it’s beautiful,” said the traveler.  “It just isn’t tall enough.”

Grand Hotel, Mackinac Island, Michigan

What’s So Funny?

The prices of the hotel’s rooms became cheaper with each higher floor.  The top floor, although cheaper than the others, was still too expensive for the traveler.  He was hoping to pay a lower price, but there were no higher floors left.

Ticket Joke

A woman was standing at the ticket counter of the railroad platform and asked for a round-trip ticket. 

“To where?” asked the ticket agent. 

“To here, of course,” replied the woman.

What’s So Funny?

The ticket agent wanted to know where the woman was traveling to on the first half of her journey.  The woman said “here” because this was where she wanted to return at the end of the entire trip.

Vocabulary

round-trip ticket = going to another location and then returning to the starting point

one-way ticket = going somewhere and not returning

Restaurant Joke

 In the restaurant, the waiter said, “We have everything on the menu today, ma’am.”

“So I see,” said the customer.  “May I have a clean one, please?”

What's So Funny?

There are two meanings to the waiter's statement.  He meant, everything that is listed on the menu is available today.  The customer saw many bits of food stuck on the menu and had a different understanding, namely, that every kind of food was making her menu dirty, so she requested a cleaner menu.

What Time Is It?

On the street, a drunk walks up to another person and asks, “What time is it?” 

The person says, “It’s 10 o’clock.” 

The drunk says, “I must be going crazy.  All day long I keep getting different answers.”

What's So Funny?

The drunk keeps getting different answers to his question because he keeps asking at different times of the day.

The reality of the above joke is seen in the truth of the following observation:  Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

In Grammar Class

 In grammar class, the teacher asked a student a question, “Carlos, can you name two pronouns?” 

Carlos, who suddenly woke up, said, “Who, me?”

What's So Funny?

The teacher asks a grammar question to a student who was sleeping.  The student wakes up and is not sure of what is going on.  

What's a Pronoun?

Pronouns are a grammatical category of words that can substitute for nouns. For example:

• TEACHER can be substituted with SHE
• CARLOS can be substituted with HE
• THE PERSON BEING ASKED ABOUT can be substituted with WHO
• THE PERSON IN MY PLACE can be substituted with I or ME
• THE PERSON IN YOUR PLACE can be substituted with YOU
• THE PERSON IN OUR PLACE can be substituted with US
• THE PERSON IN THEIR PLACE can be substituted with THEY or THEM
• THE THING BEING ASKED ABOUT can be substituted with WHICH or WHAT

In asking if he is the person being called on, Carlos accidentally gives a correct answer to the teacher's question.  WHO is a (relative) pronoun, and ME is a (personal) pronoun.  Lucky Carlos!

Missing Something

A Vietnamese, an Indian, a Japanese, an Indonesian, a Malaysian, a Chinese, a Korean, a Mongolian, a Cambodian, a Filipino, a Singaporean, a Burmese, and a Laotian walk into a 5-star restaurant.

After looking over the group, the maitre d' says, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai.”

What's So Funny?

This joke is funny because a "tie" is something that is worn when one is trying to look nice. For example, you would wear a tie to a nice restaurant. 

"Thai" is what we call someone from Thailand. Therefore, it is funny that the culturally diverse group cannot get in to the resturant without a "Thai."

Antenna Pun

As we’ve discussed on previous shows, one difficult aspect of learning a second language is adapting to humor that involves plays on words. They are also called puns.  The appropriate way to receive a pun when it is told is to pretend you didn’t think it was funny.  You may stare at the pun-teller or even let out a groan (unnnhh!).  We don’t want to give punsters credit for clever wordplay, but usually we end up smiling or even laughing.  Here is a clever wordplay that most Americans would chuckle over.  The question: is it funny to you?

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The wedding ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

What's So Funny?

This joke involves one word having two different meanings.

This is funny because the word "reception" can refer to a celebration party held after a wedding and can also refer to the process of receiving information through an antenna to a television. 

Nonverbal Communication Pun

As we’ve discussed on previous shows, one difficult aspect of learning a second language is adapting to humor that involves plays on words. They are also called puns.  The appropriate way to receive a pun when it is told is to pretend you didn’t think it was funny.  You may stare at the pun-teller or even let out a groan (unnnhh!).  We don’t want to give punsters credit for clever wordplay, but usually we end up smiling or even laughing.  Here is a clever wordplay that most Americans would chuckle over.  The question: is it funny to you? 

The importance of nonverbal communication goes without saying.

What's So Funny?

This joke involves a play on words that a friend of mine made at a meeting.  This joke plays on the fact that non-verbal communication uses no words, just facial expressions, hand gestures, etc.  The expression "goes without saying" means that everyone knows this and you don't have to mention it.

Camouflage Pun

As we’ve discussed on previous shows, one difficult aspect of learning a second language is adapting to humor that involves plays on words. They are also called puns.  The appropriate way to receive a pun when it is told is to pretend you didn’t think it was funny.  You may stare at the pun-teller or even let out a groan (unnnhh!).  We don’t want to give punsters credit for clever wordplay, but usually we end up smiling or even laughing.  Here is a clever wordplay that most Americans would chuckle over.  The question: is it funny to you?

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. 

What's So Funny?

Do you know about camouflage clothing?  Those clothes are worn by hunters or soldiers who want to blend in with their surroundings in order to stay unseen.  

Here, a soldier wears camouflage gear and applies camo paint to his face. (source: Wikipedia)

This joke also involves a common shopping expression, "to find," which means to locate for purchase. The joke here means that the camouflage pants blended in with their environment that you were unable to see them (which is the normal purpose of camouflage clothing).

camouflage pants (for sale at macys.com)